Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
