Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize