I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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