Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
either way he was missing a nipple.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize