It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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