I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
