My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
