I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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