If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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