it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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