we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize