Don't you send me to vm
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
