I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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