Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
