You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
