This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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