so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
