I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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