I want to have your abortion
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
