I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I want to have your abortion
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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