Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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