I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize