I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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