If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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