I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
