i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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