he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
