tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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