I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
