i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
