Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
