Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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