What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
