I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
