I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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