Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
