Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
