Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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