I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
