I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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