I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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