there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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