Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
