Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
