No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
