Got a toothbrush?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
