I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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