just come out here and I will go home with you...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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