Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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