if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
