Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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