Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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