I hate all girls vehemently.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize