we should wear snuggies to the strip club
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
