My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
