he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
