i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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