i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize