I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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