I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its not stalking. its research.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
