I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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