this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
