im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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