If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
