before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize