I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's not a walk of shame if you run
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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