note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
