I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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