Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
