Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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