Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
