New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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