I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
