the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize