i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just had sex on a roof
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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