Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
