who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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