Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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